The Human Cost of Saying Nothing

Recently, I published a LinkedIn newsletter entitled “Banter or Bullying? – Did We Notice They Stopped Laughing?”

I expected it to resonate here in Ireland. After all, banter is very much part of our culture, inside and outside of work. It helps us build relationships, break the ice and often makes the workplace a more enjoyable place to be.

What I didn’t expect was the response from much further afield.

The article was read, shared and commented on by HR Directors, People & Culture Leaders and managers well beyond Ireland. Despite the different countries, industries and cultures represented, one thing became very clear.

This isn’t just an Irish issue.

It’s a human one.

My article asked one simple question:

“Did we notice they stopped laughing?”

As I reflected on the conversations it generated, I realised there was another question that perhaps matters even more.

“What happened because nobody said anything?”

Because, in my experience, that’s often where the greatest cost and pain begins for everyone involved.

During almost 30 years working in HR, I often became involved when issues had already escalated, with far-reaching consequences for the individual, their colleagues and the organisation.

A grievance had been raised.

An investigation had begun.

Other colleagues had often become involved and, sometimes unwittingly, contributed to the “banter.”

Well-being suffers.

Peace of mind is lost.

By that stage, the focus quite rightly turns to fact-finding, fairness and process.

With a heavy heart, I often found myself asking something different.

“When was the moment we could still have turned this around?”

The answer was often weeks, sometimes months—or even years—earlier.

Not because the original issue was insignificant.

But because the person affected didn’t have the confidence, the language or the practical skills to have that all-important honest conversation earlier.

The Cost to the Individual

When issues remain unspoken or unaddressed, the personal cost can be enormous.

People begin to dread coming to work.

Sleep is affected.

Stress and anxiety increase.

Confidence gradually erodes.

People withdraw from colleagues at work and often from family and friends outside of work.

Performance suffers.

Many quietly disengage long before they quietly quit, often carrying those scars long after they leave.

What started as a relatively small issue gradually escalates and affects well-being, relationships and performance.

The Cost to the Organisation

Organisations pay a price too.

Managers spend valuable time dealing with escalations instead of leading and supporting their teams.

Absenteeism increases.

Good people leave.

Recruitment starts again.

Time and money are invested in replacing and training new employees, while the original issue often remains unresolved, increasing the likelihood that the cycle simply repeats itself.

Then there is the cost that rarely appears on a balance sheet.

Reputation.

People talk.

“What’s it really like to work there?”

I’ve often thought there’s a very simple measure of an organisation’s culture.

Would you confidently bring in the CV of a friend or family member?

If the answer is yes, you’re probably doing a lot of things right.

If the answer is no…

Perhaps it’s worth asking why.

Culture is rarely defined by the policies sitting in a handbook.

It’s defined by the experiences people have every day.

Everyone Deserves the Opportunity to Change

One of the things that frustrated me most throughout my HR career was that the person whose behaviour had caused the upset was often never spoken to until a formal complaint had already been made.

Think about that for a moment.

If nobody tells me that my behaviour is having a negative impact…

How can I possibly change it?

Surely every one of us deserves the opportunity to understand the impact of our behaviour and the opportunity to adjust it.

It’s a question I ask on almost every Honest Conversations Framework training programme.

“If you were doing something that was upsetting a colleague, would you want someone to tell you?”

The answer is always immediate and resounding.

“Absolutely.”

Then I ask why.

The response is equally consistent.

“Because how can I change if I don’t know?”

That answer has always stayed with me.

One issue that came up time and again during my HR career was the use of nicknames.

For many people, a nickname is simply part of workplace banter. It can be a term of endearment, a sign of belonging or simply part of being “one of the gang.”

For others, however, the very same nickname can become a source of embarrassment, belittlement or even humiliation.

What struck me was how often this went unspoken.

The nickname simply became the default.

Day after day.

Week after week.

Sometimes for years.

I saw situations where something that began as harmless banter eventually came to a head on an ordinary day at work or even at a company social event, with consequences for everyone involved.

What stayed with me most was the genuine surprise—and sometimes shock—of the person using the nickname.

There was often no ill intention.

They simply had no idea of the impact it was having because nobody had ever told them.

And if they were never made aware of that impact…

How could they possibly have had the opportunity to stop?

The irony is that many of those same people openly admit they would struggle to have that very conversation if the roles were reversed.

Not because they don’t care.

Not because they’re weak.

But because, like most of us, they want to avoid conflict.

They worry about upsetting someone.

Making things worse.

Damaging the relationship.

Or simply don’t have the confidence or the practical communication toolkit to know where to begin.

A Better Way

As organisations, we rightly invest in Bullying & Harassment Policies, Dignity at Work Policies and Grievance Procedures.

They protect people.

They ensure fairness.

They provide a clear process when things go wrong.

But they generally come into play after the issue has escalated and the relationship has already broken down.

Given the choice, as an HR practitioner, I would much rather spend my time coaching someone to have one respectful, honest conversation before a situation escalates than spend weeks dealing with the aftermath once formal procedures have begun.

Looking back, I genuinely believe that an early, honest conversation would have resulted in a better outcome for all parties in the vast majority of the cases I dealt with.

That’s better for the individual raising the concern.

Better for the colleague whose behaviour may have been causing upset, often without ever realising it.

Better for the manager.

Better for the team.

And ultimately, better for the organisation and its culture.

Of course, not every situation can or should be resolved this way.

There are circumstances where formal procedures are absolutely necessary, and they remain an essential protection for everyone involved.

But my experience tells me that the majority of situations never needed to get that far.

Once people better understood the difference between intent and impact, awareness increased, behaviour changed, and relationships often began to recover. Prevention is better than cure.

The key, though, is training—a practical toolkit or framework to help people navigate that first, potentially game-changing honest conversation, one that can fundamentally change how the issue evolves for everyone involved.

Because my experience is that there are no real winners when issues escalate.

That is exactly why I developed the Honest Conversations Framework.

Not to replace formal procedures.

But to reduce the number of situations that ever need them.

Its purpose is simple.

To help people recognise concerns early, have the confidence to raise them respectfully and honestly and, in many cases, resolve issues before they escalate.

A Final Thought

Looking back over almost three decades in HR, one thing became very clear.

An honest conversation early on doesn’t just resolve issues.

It protects relationships.

If my recent newsletter asked,

“Did we notice they stopped laughing?”

Perhaps this one asks an even more important question.

“Did we give people the confidence and the tools to have the honest conversation before they stopped laughing?”

Whilst formal procedures are sometimes necessary, they rarely restore the relationship that existed before.

The greatest opportunity often comes much earlier.

With an early, honest conversation.

See it. Say it. Sort it.

Guest post by Mary Jo Parker. Mary is the Founder of Parker Training Specialists and creator of the Honest Conversations Framework.

With more than 30 years’ experience across HR, Learning & Development and Education, she is passionate about giving people the confidence and practical tools to have honest conversations early, preventing issues from escalating into costly workplace problems.

Her philosophy is simple: See it. Say it. Sort it. Her promise to every learner is equally simple: Learn it today. Use it tomorrow.