Partygate: Should we show leaders more compassion when they make mistakes?

Under normal circumstances, it is a tough gig to be an effective leader. Leaders are under pressure to deliver results, achieve more and do better, often with limited resources.

Partygate: Should we show leaders more compassion

Organisations are transforming the way they operate to meet the increasing demands of their customers, shareholders, and other stakeholders so that leaders must focus both on ‘what’ gets delivered and ‘how’ they achieve the results.

How well are they engaging and motivating their staff, peers, and colleagues? Do they focus on their area of responsibility or act for the greater good of the organisation?

Add to this the desire to create more inclusive workplaces that offer all individuals the opportunity to reach their full potential and the impact of the pandemic.

Leaders, who have staff working from home, have had to learn how to manage them remotely. Those whose staff must be on-site have had to determine how best to keep them safe.

As governments have responded differently to the threats posed by COVID, employees have adapted to instructions to work from home, physical distancing, wearing masks at work, etc.

Now that the restrictions are easing, staff are now required to return to the office to some degree. In addition, they are coping with differing levels of anxiety about how to keep themselves and their loved ones safe, virtual meeting fatigue, looking after children and elderly parents, maintaining boundaries between work and home life, and so on. Essentially, they are trying to keep everything together.

The job as a leader in these circumstances has become significantly more complex and demanding. Leaders need to balance supporting their teams (and colleagues) through these difficult times whilst ensuring that the team delivers on expectations. Not an easy task.

What employees need from those who lead them is compassion and understanding. Compassion means to suffer with. Suffering in its broadest context is not just about pain, but essentially coping with life’s challenges.

These could include, not being able to concentrate and do your best work, making mistakes, being impatient with co-workers, feeling overwhelmed, sadness, demotivated, angry, frustrated, resentful, and so on.

So how can a leader be more compassionate? It is a bit like the safety briefing that you get on airplanes to put your own oxygen mask first before helping others.

Leaders need to practise self-compassion as this will help them to show compassion to their teams.

Leaders who notice their own suffering, for example, not knowing how to best help their teams, wondering how to get the performance they need when their teams are working long hours to get everything done, etc. are well placed to be compassionate.

Rather than suppressing these feelings or allowing their worries and fears to take over, leaders would do better to acknowledge them.

In my work as an executive coach, I have seen many CEOs grappling with these issues through the pandemic.

For example, Tamara was more irritable than usual. She felt a tightness in her neck and shoulders, and around her mouth.

She was unaware of these somatic experiences until her coach encouraged her to stop and observe herself. She realised that her tension was related to feelings of inadequacy as a leader.

She realised that she had been distracted by her own worries and had been less available to her team so that when they came to her with problems she felt on the back foot.

Her coach encouraged her to give herself permission not to be the perfect leader and concede that she was a fallible human being and that was normal and ok. Once she accepted this she figured out that showing compassion to herself and her team would be more effective.

Tamara knew conceptually that she was not the only person to feel that she was not doing a good job and that by reaching out to her peers, she could learn what they were doing, get comfort from not feeling alone and have the support she needed to talk things through and get ideas about how to lead in this situation.

Refocusing her thoughts on what her team needed from her, rather than how she was feeling, enabled Tamara to become a more compassionate leader to her team.

There are small things every leader can do to become more self-compassionate.

The three facets of self-compassion are; 1. notice your negative emotions (and bodily sensations) 2. Common humanity – recognised that you are not isolated or unique in your experience 3. Treat yourself as you would a close friend facing similar troubles.

Research shows that when a leader displays self-compassion, it increases their resilience and ability to show empathy. This will then allow them to respond sensitively to their teams.

If leaders know their team members well, they will know the most suitable way to show compassion.

This could range from providing a listening ear, helping their direct reports to prioritise what they need to do, convening meetings designed to let individuals surface issues, negative feelings and worries, keep them focused on work, etc.

Staff who believe that their leaders care about them will be more loyal and put in the extra effort over the long term.

Leaders can increase their (self)compassion by adopting reflective practices that help them tune into themselves and others.

These include; meditation, journaling, breathing exercises, movement, exercise, individual and group conversations, communities of like-minded people, therapy.

Becoming a more compassionate leader enables you to support yourself and others through difficult times with the right level of support to handle these challenges in a constructive way.

About the author

Dr Joan van den Brink is an Executive Coach, management consultant and founder of Araba Consulting. Her new book, The Three Companions, is available in paperback, priced at £14.99. You can read an extract from the book here.