6 Steps to Resolve Conflict at Work

Conflict at work is a common problem. Healthy conflict is good because it gives permission to express different opinions, to be heard, have different perspectives, and to come to an agreement. It can also be a rich source of creativity, innovation, and breakthrough discoveries.

It is unhealthy where it is suppressed or comes out as criticism or anger. This then stores up resentment and prevents the business from having the benefit of divergent and new ideas.

A Story that Plays out in Many Businesses

Two people in your senior team just are not getting on. They rub each other up the wrong way, and spend more effort fighting or ignoring each other than on moving the business forward. It’s developed into an unhealthy situation and needs to be fixed – quickly. They are stuck, and so is the company.

They watch each other like hawks, jump on the slightest wrong and encourage conspiracy thinking amongst the whole team. They are creating a very negative atmosphere for all those around them. The trouble is while they are stuck, so is the entire senior leadership of the company. Their organisational responsibilities are substantial, and their feuding is disrupting the whole operation.

We either put up with this or find a solution. The two combatants don’t respond to logic, inducements or threats. They will have to move or leave. But we are reluctant to do this as their skills are very valuable to us and the organisation. Even more tricky – maybe one of the people is yourself, and you need a way back from the edge you have both taken yourselves to. But how?

My experience is that Relationships create Culture, and Culture creates Success. It is essential for the success of the business and the happiness and fulfilment of the team that conflict is dealt with promptly and well.

Here are 6 steps to deal with conflict at work:

1. Have the right culture

Create a culture where it is OK to have different views and the freedom to express them.
This requires psychological safety, where the whole team feel safe enough to be open, honest and vulnerable with each other without fear of criticism or retribution.

Conflict has to be dealt with rapidly. If there is conflict between two people, it is their responsibility to resolve it amicably. If you step in as the rescuer you will be setting up an unhealthy pattern for the future.

2. Be clear about your purpose

If you share a clear passion and purpose that the business will fulfil, this will help you all-weather the storms ahead. If your purpose is to change the world, then you all have a big, challenging, and exciting journey ahead. Reconnecting people with this shared purpose is a way to make unhealthy conflict less likely.

If your purpose is not understood or shared there is likely to be dissonance amongst the staff. If they are not on your bus or helping you drive it, then should they be there at all?

3. Have honest and open conversations

Differences of opinion are inevitable and a good thing if they create healthy conflict that is dealt with. If matters are swept under the carpet, they will fester and become toxic.

If you are aware of unresolved conflict, it is easy to get trapped in assumptions and mind reading. You will only get clarity if you can have a truly open and honest conversation. Try and create the time and space where you can both talk. The conversation must be about feelings rather than what you are thinking.

For example, “You are being disrespectful to x” will not be helpful. Try instead the frame of ‘I feel’. Something like “I feel sad that we seem to be out of alignment?”

So often colleagues drift apart because feelings are not expressed, and resentment grows. A great idea is to schedule a weekly ‘state of the union’ meeting with your colleagues where you devote an hour to sharing three things that have gone well in your working relationship that week and one thing that could be even better.

This gives you time to focus on your relationship, rather than business goals or priorities, have the glow of positive affirmations, and to deal with problems before they become big issues.

4. Regularly calibrate the state of your working relationships

On a regular basis you should calibrate, out of 10, each of the 6 elements of The Relationship Paradigm for your key work colleagues, or a particular colleague that you may have a tricky relationship with:

Communication
• Are you able to express how you are feeling and be truly listened to?
• Are there any elephants in the room that you have been unable to discuss?

Connection
• How connected do you feel with each other?

Commitment
• Are you equally committed to the success of the business/department/team?

Fun
• When did the two of you last have fun together at work?

Growth
• Are the ‘you’ and ‘me’ both growing as individuals?
• Is the ‘us’ of two colleagues growing and thriving?

Trust
• Do you trust each other implicitly?
• Can you rely on them to be there for you?

If the scores for any of these is less than 8, there is real attention needed otherwise the colleague will start to drift apart.

5. There is no ‘right’

Conflict comes where there is an unmet need in both of you. What do you think their need is and is this different or in direct conflict with your needs? Is there a way of you both getting what you want in this situation without conflict?

In a relationship, even in business, there is no reality, there is only perception. These can be very different and equally correct.

6. What do you want to have happen?

It is easy to get stuck in the ‘problem’ mode of ‘they are treating me badly’ or the remedy mode of ‘if only they would leave then life would go back to normal’. Instead ask them the very specific question of “What would you like to have happen?” and keep asking this until you have absolute clarity.

Neil Wilkie is a Psychotherapist working with business leaders to help them calibrate, understand and rapidly change the dynamics of business relationships. Find out more: www.relationshipsinbusiness.com.

Prepared by Suzanna Hayek